Retreat

In the midst of endless activities surrounding me like a dreadful aura, I have wisely decided to take a semi-retreat at the home of my disciplers while they haven't been home. Last week, Amanda offered me that place to rest, seeing that I was barely taking the time to breathe. So Sunday after work, I picked up all I would need and drove to the seminary in east Dallas to their on-campus apartment on an upper floor with an amazing view of the Dallas skyline.

I nestled comfortably on the couch, gazing out the window, and delighting in some delectable potatoes with broccoli and cheese, praying for the Spirit to calm my nerves and enjoy the quiet. After dinner, I began to meditate on the questions Lara had suggested I meditate on. Among them, Are you too concerned with the things of Christ, and not looking full on His face? I began to make a list of all the things that consume my time, from my full-time job to my ministry as a part of the Village, and Saturday starbucks to sitting at the apartment. I discovered that every second in my life, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the hour I try to sleep and even in my dreams, is consumed by something or someone. In recent weeks, I have even dreamed of my everyday life, I've dreamed of tasks, I've dreamed of angry things. I have had no rest, even on the days I consider my "off-days".

And to answer the question above, I have been too busy with activities that I've had no time to meditate, reflect, digest, and "look full on His face." Now, I don't say this to gripe or complain or seek pity. I say it that someone might learn from my walk (as my beautiful Leslie has claimed). I say it to warn those who say yes to everything and suddenly find yourself overwhelmed by countless obligations.

I see myself as trying to hike a mountain and I am nowhere near half-way when suddenly I look ahead and realize there's an avalanche coming my way. I'm about to be plummetted with no way out. That was my Monday. I looked at my week and saw the following.
Tuesday night, I have to be at class and at a starbucks meeting at the same time after my 9 to 5 job. I couldn't go to class.
Wednesday I work as well then need to go shopping for bridal events.
Thursday is Tara's rehearsal dinner and a midterm at the same time - I'm maid of honor, what will i do.
Friday I work and host her bachelorette party.
Saturday I have to work at starbucks and be at her wedding at the same time.

In this time of rest, I have found peace, I have discovered that I can't say no to many of the things I've gotten myself into now. And to others I simply don't wish to say no. Others, I have been called there and I must be obedient. But I must honor a time of rest, a time of retreat, a time of being alone - just Father and I.

I am not seeking to live a life of solitude. I can't afford that, and it would suck and quite-honestly, I feel like puking right now. Last night I realized that the next step is solitude with the Father. I currently don't have that - no time or place for retreat. I haven't the time to meditate and reflect. So what do I do next? How do I seek that? How do I take that? I thank the Father for the time He's allowed me to be alone with him. There are things I cannot change such as class and work. Small group and my ministry at the Village is also something I feel incredibly called to. Life at the apartment cannot be changed but there are ways to retreat.

I have to believe that it is not laziness or selfish sin to take a day off - it is a decision called by God full of wisdom and obedience as a good steward of what He's given. And it is for His worship that I will retreat from life for moments at a time to look full in his wonderful face.