How?

The top of my cheekbones sting with the salt of my tears slicing through the cracks of my tissue-worn skin. I quit even patting my face dry because it hurt to touch it because of all the tears I've had to dry away. So here I lie letting the pain nestle and become well-acquainted with yet another skin-layer.

How can one human being make another feel so worthless, so inadequate, so stupid?

I know in my head that my worth is not found in a boy, not in possessions, not even in who I am, but in whose I am. I know Christ is the glory of the broken vessel I am. I know He loves me, and He is enough, Even my heart has learned to cling to Him and believe that fully.

It is in the darkness of the night, however, that the thoughts return to me. The experiences that brought so much pain and left me more alone than I could describe. And I refused to tell anyone because that same worthlessness led me to believe no one else cared. When trying to share a little bit, I felt that it was confirmed that my misery was not legit. So I hid it. I tried more than anything to be okay.

Sometimes, even, in the brightest day, one event can occur that knocks me down and makes me relive the anguish I underwent. It is like a cancer in my heart that won't go away, and I can't seem to escape. The day I am surrounded by people, I can feel the most solitude. Am I worthless?

How can one person make another feel so worthless?

The questions never end in the back of my mind. They continue to invade no matter how many times I try to put them away. Why? How? A year has passed and here I lie, can't seem to get away. I thought my life was free at alast, but I keep discovering more chains. One labeled anguish, another despair; it's not easy to find Christ there. And alone at night, I weep some more, desperate for assurance that He indeed is my worth; assurance that He is my savior; that He is the Lover of my soul; that He is here; that He is holding me.

How can a guy make me feel so worthless?

Is there a way to make this end? Is there a point in which closure is attained? Is there a point of no return? I'd willingly never look back. No one should have to walk through what I did. No one should feel how I felt, and currently feel.

I thought I was done. But I guess I'm not.

I thought it was over. But I guess it's not.

God, help me. Grant me sleep though I am not entitled to it, and assure me that my Worth is found in You.