It is not a battle against flesh and blood, but it sometimes it sure does feel like it. Sometimes it feels like all I've got is my flesh and the blood running through me, and nothing else. I feel so shallow and 2nd grade. Obviously, God is there. But the constant thrashing remains, endless debates in my head, wrestling in my heart, and what for? I feel like nothing that I am doing is doing what I want it to be doing, or what I say it is doing. I'm being so vague, but that's because my feelings are vague. There is a painful consternation within me, but I can't put my finger on it, or what is causing it.
I guess it is my ingrained selfishness that is causing me so much distress. My insecurities surface, and I wonder how much of my selfishness is pushing those I love away. Or is it all my imagination? Or is it just the holidays and the stress they bring to all of us. It's bad enough when friends tell me I'm intimidating, and others who give me specific jobs at their weddings because I'm "power hungry". In my selfishness, I never meant to hurt anyone, I never meant to bite. Why am I so pathetically needy? I carry stones in my soul that keep me from falling apart.
Where is Jesus in my life? Why do I look away from Him? Why am I so easily distracted? Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I alone in my confusion? That is the worst question of all. Am I alone?
...
i hate writing this. but there must be some exposure.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
the worst
signed... My name is Damaris at 11:26 PM
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"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate... I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing... I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand." - Romans 7
No, you are not alone in your frustration or your confusion. We all stumble in many ways. We are all bad; but we are blessed enough to hate what we do. Satan screws with us every chance he gets. Or in the words of Peter, "Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."
Peter also gives us the defense: "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen."
And in 1 Peter 1, "Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ." Which is this: "you have not come to what may be touched, a blazing fire and darkness and gloom and a tempest and the sound of a trumpet and a voice whose words made the hearers beg that no further messages be spoken to them. For they could not endure the order that was given, “If even a beast touches the mountain, it shall be stoned.” Indeed, so terrifying was the sight that Moses said, “I tremble with fear.” But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, and to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel."
"See that you do not refuse him who is speaking. For if they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape if we reject him who warns from heaven. At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.” This phrase, “Yet once more,” indicates the removal of things that are shaken—that is, things that have been made—in order that the things that cannot be shaken may remain. Therefore let us be grateful for receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, and thus let us offer to God acceptable worship, with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire."
"Let brotherly love continue. Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares. Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body. Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 12-13
This is the only way that I can cope with reality. I do things I hate. I sin and can't understand why. There is the constant pain and longing from the fact that we have fellowship with Perfection while we are not exactly perfect. And really, there is a lot more that isn't just spiritual, there is pain from every direction I can think of, most of it due to my own selfishness. It is impossible to have peace or significant comfort. I've gone to sleep far too often in fear and turmoil and woken up either begging God or avoiding Him.
Yet sometimes I go to bed in peace, and sometimes I wake up and rejoice and am ready to face still more painful and difficult things. Because He is worth it. Because the power of His love keeps awing me. Because He is so terrifying that I shouldn't be afraid of anything, not even my own sin (in a certain sense). He makes men and demons tremble and beg. He kicks Satan's ass every day. My flesh has no safety - and no escape. But my soul is safe forever with Him.
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